[ Kojiro tugs, gently, a firm handful right at the roots to tease at the threat. There are some boundaries he's pushing against here, testing the threshold of acceptability, twisting knots into a few assumed notions he'd kept about Kaoru. But more than that, he's always wanted to do this; ached to bury himself so deeply into Kaoru in so many ways. Through his hair, into his body, under his skin, and right up against his last fucking nerve.
After all, doesn't he want Kaoru crazy for him? Sense, reason, logic; they don't need it here. Kaoru doesn't need it here, and that's the whole point of this. To get him out of his own head. There's safety in Kojiro's arms, and Kaoru's loved beyond anything he's ever known. It's okay to just not think for a little while, in the presence of all that adoration. ]
Why would I do a thing like that?
[ Kaoru's tight, searing; a sinful clutch and grasp, and Kojiro could sink into this forever. It's all warring notions of chaos and peace. Taking Kaoru apart sounds every bit as appealing as burying himself deep and staying there, still, just to memorize the sensation. But in the end, Kaoru's pushing against him, and the response is almost instinctive.
Kojiro's grip shifts, drifts down from Kaoru's hair to grasp wide over the back of his neck. It's an anchor, a ballast to steady him against the barrage that comes next. More, harder, faster; Kojiro's cock drives up into Kaoru in firm snaps of his hips, almost a desperate pace. And this isn't gonna last. It can't. Because he's fucking Kaoru, he's looking into Kaoru's eyes, and-- ]
I love you. [ It's deep, breathy, hitched in gasps against Kaoru's mouth. ]
[He really thought he knew Kojiro so well. That there was nothing that could surprise him at this point. But if he'd even tried to imagine that his stupid best friend could be like this, the fantasy surely would have fallen apart before he could have filled in every parameter to run the simulation properly in his mind. Another unfair advantage: Kojiro has had one hell of a head start, and surely that’s why he can say those words like they already belong to him. Like he doesn’t have to test the shape of them on his tongue before they tumble forth.
This Kojiro, the one right here and now who gazes into his eyes with unguarded devotion, who sinks into him again and again like he wants to stay there forever… he wants to line him up next to the Kojiro who flings unimaginative insults at him nearly as often as he uses Kaoru’s actual name. Yes, he could line them up just so, and they’d probably fit together like perfect little puzzle pieces. But they’re so hard to reconcile at the same time.
Kaoru grits his teeth against a high moan, and feels the incongruent bits and pieces build into frustration in his gut. Kojiro, the one he’s always known, is childish and impulsive. He teases Kaoru for his hobbies and his fastidiousness. He forgets the crucial, intricate details of shared memories no matter how many times Kaoru reminds him. Sometimes it all makes Kaoru so mad, he could just—]
I love you too.
[He’s sure he means to add “you fucking moron,” but the words do not come. Maybe this is a mark of growing older. Maybe he’s losing his edge.]
[ The thing about an edge is, there's always a flip side to it; the flat of a blade or the spine of a knife. There's always some space for a sheen, some smoother planes to support the cut. Kaoru can keep all the edge he wants. He can spit venom and acerbic quips, concrete skin and razor tongue. It just gives him -- them -- more facets. Kojiro loves him for all of it, barbs and beauty, poison and perfection. Wouldn't have him any other way.
It's not like Kojiro's guilty of less, and the bickering will never stop. Kaoru hasn't even managed to stop bitching while they're fucking, and that's so ridiculously hot, because-- Shit, now Kojiro's head is full of all the different ways he could shut him up.
I love you is one of the ways, apparently. It's still tripping some kind of short circuit in Kaoru, turning him sweet for a fraction of a second. Fucking and fighting really are ridiculously similar with Kaoru, because Kojiro moves on that moment of weakness, buries his face against Kaoru's shoulder and drags teeth firm down the side of his neck. Mark him up, bruise him more; primitive, mean, but Kaoru is his.
Kojiro keeps his teeth sunk in, wraps an arm around Kaoru's shoulders to pull him along as he falls back against the sheets. It's a tight angle, but Kojiro's thighs aren't just for launching himself off cliff faces. With his heels anchored into the mattress, he can drive up quick and hard into Kaoru, tilted to stroke him inside until he sees stars.
Fuck, he's so fucking close. ]
Gonna come for me again, beautiful? [ A growl through grit teeth against Kaoru's ear. ] C'mon, I wanna see you make that face...
[His voice sounds so ragged to his own ears, moans that are torn to shreds at the sensation of Kojiro’s teeth carving into his skin. He longs to write his own name into Kojiro, too, and raking his fingernails down his chest and arms hardly feels adequate. Kaoru wants to be under his skin like ink, indelible. He wants to stay in his deepest places, the way Kojiro is lighting up Kaoru’s every nerve right now.
When Kojiro pushes up, Kaoru doubles down, grabs messy handfuls of Kojiro’s stupid hair and fights against every renewed wave of pleasure that threatens to pull away the last of his control.]
You… first…!
[It’s a demand. Defiant. Maybe under other circumstances, he would let Kojiro make him come again and again before humouring any request to have anything in return. But here in this moment, the spirit of competition rises in him the way it so often does when he can feel Kojiro close to him. Like hell is he going to let go before he makes Kojiro fall apart. No fucking way. For all the praise, Kaoru still feels like he has something to prove. Something about how good he can really be.]
[ In the end, he can't say what it is. Maybe it's Kaoru's voice gone to tatters, all ribboned demands and ground pleasure. Maybe it's Kaoru clawing him up, drawing welts in his skin, maybe the fists that find his hair when Kojiro's not keeping track of them. Maybe it's Kaoru's body, tighter and hotter and softer than it's ever been, even in Kojiro's most depraved fantasies.
Maybe it's all of it. Every obscene moment, every lascivious detail, all conspiring at once to overwhelm Kojiro. Winds him up, coils harder with each fevered slam of his hips, and then Kaoru snaps -- you first -- and Kojiro shatters.
It rips through him like wildfire, like flying into the sun; burns him up and leaves him ashen in its wake. Kojiro grips Kaoru's shoulder, hips stuttering to a halt when it finally hits him. The cry is sharp, lilting, shuddering along with the rest of him while he spills into Kaoru's body. Over and over, Kaoru's name; in groans, in gasps, in hurried panting, until it fades out to a quiet-- ]
Fuck, Kaoru.
[ And even before he collapses back, boneless and struggling to muster the last dregs of his sanity, Kojiro's hand manages to find Kaoru's cock again. To stroke him out -- stubbornness be thy name -- bring him over again before he'll earn himself a bit of rest.
It's not the last he's getting tonight, but it'll do for now. ]
[It's like nothing Kaoru has ever experienced before. Kojiro's face has always been expressive, but this is the first time Kaoru is seeing it like this, twisted up in pleasure, holding onto Kaoru as if for dear life as he shudders, and Kaoru holds on too--to the feeling of being filled, of taking Kojiro apart with his body, and every rapturous repetition of his own name. It makes him tremble, makes his thighs tense and his toes curl, and Kojiro barely even has to touch him before Kaoru is spilling hot and messy all over his hand. He doesn't even have the strength left in his body to choke back the sharp sobs of pleasure.
It makes him so fucking vulnerable, is the thing, being fucked this well and thoroughly. He really feels like he can't get any strength back into his limbs at all, so he just slumps forward and tucks his face into Kojiro's neck. If he's going to be such an absurdly oversized brute, the least he can do is feel like a solid and safe foundation when Kaoru is feeling small and vulnerable.
Big stupid dope with a bomb-ass dick. Kaoru is never going to let him go as long as he lives. He half-heartedly mumbles as much into Kojiro's skin, and it's muffled beyond comprehension. But he doesn't feel like repeating himself, either, so he just burrows into the warmth even more.]
[ This isn't the first time Kojiro's heard Kaoru totally incoherent. There have been other times. Like back in high school, some wee-hours weekend when they'd had more caffeine than sleep. Or when Kojiro was in Italy, and the time difference often meant their video calls were spent half awake. But this is the first time Kojiro's understood it, fully and completely. Maybe it's only by virtue of the fact that his entire soul is full with the exact same sentiment. Never letting him go. Ever.
Kaoru collapses, and Kojiro's arms wind around him as he falls, thick fingers straying to stroke his hair and cover his back. Vulnerability is safe here. Maybe it's not always, but Kojiro's always been good at recognizing when Kaoru needs him to hold space -- or hold his tongue -- and he's lost for words right now anyway.
What is there to say? When your last, crazy, wild dream suddenly comes true? When you get everything you've ever wanted? When a decade-old hollow ache is suddenly filled out perfectly? Where are the words for that? ]
Thank you.
[ It tumbles out without any conscious effort on his part, and even while he's struggling to catch his breath, Kaoru has never heard Kojiro's voice this warm or this soft. ]
I'm gonna make you so happy you gave me a chance. I promise.
[The gentle touches make Kaoru shiver pleasantly in the aftermath. He basks in the quiet as long as he can--not just the quiet in the room, but the quiet in Kaoru's head in the moments where he's too drunk on endorphins and oxytocin for the usual internal monologue to start up. It's kind of messy and sweaty and that should be gross, but it isn't. Or at least, not in a pressing enough way that Kaoru has to pay it any mind right now. Not yet.
This is a chemical response, logic dictates. It's simple biology that he feels warm and bathed through his skin and nerves with a warm glow, and that Kojiro smells fantastic in a way that cannot be bottled and sold. It's comforting, in a way.
There is no science to piece into a neat frame around Kojiro's gratitude, though, or his promises. But somehow, that's comforting, too.]
[ In that moment, Kojiro's glad for a lot of things. He's glad Kaoru didn't default to anger, that he shelved it for long enough to take off the edge between them. He's glad Kaoru trusted Kojiro with this side of him, that he shoved aside his penchant for overthinking and pushed himself instead into Kojiro's waiting hands. He's glad he's got a mulligan saved with his sous chef, and he can take the entire day with Kaoru tomorrow (if he wants to; they're both busy, and there's a degree of scheduling stickiness that goes along with that).
He's glad Kaoru gave him this chance, period. And he's never gonna take it for granted.
Carefully, mindful of the parting, Kojiro eases himself out of Kaoru, and gropes blindly until he finds a handful of blankets to throw over them both. ]
[Kaoru makes an indistinct sound in the back of his throat, an aborted complaint, and tugs a corner of a blanket tighter around one shoulder.]
I am.
[He doesn't particularly want to think about it right now, though. He's too tired now, his consciousness too fuzzy around the edges from that cocktail of hormones that's still making him feel like something ethereal and transcendent.
But he supposes they'll have to talk about this eventually. Maybe not while shouting at each other. Kojiro said he would make it up to him, didn't he? So if he wants to keep working on that now, Kaoru can make an attempt at obliging. A sleepy one, drained of the usual fire and venom.]
You let him break my heart. I don't understand why.
[ Part of Kojiro -- the reasonable and surprisingly emotionally intelligent part -- wants to argue. That it's not fair to put that on him, that he never let anyone do anything, and how could it possibly be his fault that Adam shattered the heart Kaoru gave him?
Trouble is, that accusation taps right up against Kojiro's greatest regret and biggest insecurity. Kaoru asks Why did you let him?, and Kojiro's guilt screams louder than anything, I shouldn't have. He tries so hard not to replay the scenarios in his mind, but he can still feel Kaoru's tears hot and wild against his shoulder, but he can't help the what-if's. What if he'd just confessed to Kaoru? What if he'd stolen his heart first? What if he'd held him closer, kept him safer? What if he'd flooded Kaoru with all his considerable love from the very start?
How much pain would it have saved them, if Kojiro had just swallowed his fear and been direct about his feelings?
Kojiro heaves a sigh, and pushes a hand over his face. ]
I don't have a good answer. But I'd never just let someone hurt you. If I had any idea--
[ If either of them had any idea, would they have fallen in with Adam in the first place? ]
I tried to tell you so many times, but the words never came out right. They all just-- I tripped myself up, over and over. I thought you knew. I thought you had to know, and you were just ignoring it. And then we met him, and you were totally starstruck.
I just wanted you to be happy. Even if it wasn't with me, I wanted you to have something good. Like here's this rich, handsome, talented, smooth asshole, and he's stealing your heart without even trying, and I couldn't even get you to look at me when I was trying my damnedest.
How was I supposed to get between that? I didn't have any of that. I didn't have anything to offer you but love, and that never seemed like it'd be enough. So I thought, if that's the kind of guy you were into, I could try to be like that. Make something out of myself. Be someone who deserved you.
Kaoru, I never ever wanted him to hurt you. I just wanted you to be happy. And I fucked everything up.
[That's... a lot. It's all a lot. Kaoru plays back maybe a hundred different memories in quick succession in a matter of seconds. He bites his lip, suddenly feeling a wave of guilt. Has he been framing this whole thing all wrong? Is he the idiot, for never realising? Because he can think of so many moments where Kojiro saved him, made him feel safe, opened up the world big and bright in front of him... but he can't find anything, not a single detail that felt like Kojiro was anything but perfectly content to remain exactly as they were. Much less anything that felt like an attempted confession.
There's so much he wants to say, but that's the most important sticking point of all. That's where he has to start.]
[ Kojiro huffs, the weakest and bitterest laughter, and his fingertips shift to push in slow circles over Kaoru's scalp. ]
Shut your brain off.
[ Kojiro knows it's not that easy. He doesn't know what it's like to carry the burden of Kaoru's intellect or to shoulder his anxiety. But he's known him long enough to follow the threads of it, to know there are roughly a thousand-odd scenarios Kaoru is parsing and sifting through, struggling to recall even the half- faded memories, and it's all in the service of one question that Kojiro should have seen coming:
What did I miss? ]
This isn't on you. I tried, but the words were just-- I could never find them. Like I'd try to tell you I thought you looked nice, and it'd come out like, "Nice jacket, poindexter." Or you'd be sleeping over, and I'd whisper "I love you" over and over again because I thought I'd get used to it, but then it just stuck in my throat when your eyes were open.
I had it all rehearsed. I said it to myself over and over again, everything I'd tell you when I finally confessed. And then you'd bump my shoulder or laugh with me, and I just thought-- I dunno. That it was enough. That I could just love you and let it be, because you didn't need more drama. But--
[ Kojiro pauses to press a kiss against Kaoru's brow. ]
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I should've just told you.
I'm never gonna let that happen again. I have the words now, and I'm gonna say them 'til you're sick of hearing them. I'm never gonna let you doubt that I love you. And I'm gonna keep trying my best, every day, to be the kind of man you deserve.
[No, no, of course he can’t shut his brain off that easily. Not right now. But maybe the next best thing is being struck absolutely dumb by the image of Kojiro struggling that much for words, or whispering his secrets into the darkness. He’s always made it seem so easy to live life on feeling and impulse and sometimes too much casual boldness. But even for Kojiro, there are things he can’t say. Or, couldn’t say, anyway. Because the way he lets it all come spilling out now seems way too easy again, and Kaoru feels like he might really cry. Not just because he doesn’t know how to say all those things himself, but also out of relief. Happiness. His chest aches but he’s so, so happy.]
I never knew. I never thought— god, it didn’t even seem like a possibility. So I just…
[Moved on? No, not really. It could hardly be called that when he kept himself permanently glued to Kojiro’s side all the same. But he accepted to the extent that he could that Kojiro would have some new girl hanging off his arm all too often, and maybe Kaoru would find some equivalent someday, but they’d still be together. He’d even been able to convince himself that it would all be simple for a time. While it was all mostly theoretical, anyway.]
I thought maybe you’d be relieved that I found someone. Because I wouldn’t have to rely on you as much all the time.
Kaoru. I've always been happy that you can rely on me.
[ It's too earnest to be anything but truth. There are plenty of things about Kaoru that irritate the fuck out of him (and vice-versa, because they've never been anything less than antagonistic toward one another), but Kojiro's never considered him to be a burden. ]
I'd do anything for you. Because I want to, not because I feel obligated. I know you can take care of yourself, and you do a damn good job of it. But you're too hard on yourself, so you make things harder than they have to be sometimes.
So you can rely on me all you want. Let me spoil you a little. Let me help you stop thinking for a couple minutes. ...or hours, if you ever want.
[ Kojiro's grin goes a little sideways. He really is talking too much. Kaoru would be within his rights to smack him. ]
There's so much to love about you. Even when we're driving each other up a damn wall, there's too much to love, and I always thought so.
So don't ever think I want you anywhere but right by my side. Okay?
[Not that he doesn't believe it. It's just baffling to Kaoru, who's already feeling embarrassed over things he's said earlier in the evening, that Kojiro can just keep gushing like this like it's nothing. Kaoru's only defense, even just listening to all that, is to bury his face in Kojiro's chest and try not to whine. Not that being here is making him blush any less. This is truly impossible. He should at least be able to say "thank you" or something! But the baffled frustration bubbles up instead.]
I can never pay all of that back! You know I can't! You really think you had to do anything to deserve me? You need to value yourself a little more!
[Even now, Kaoru is knocking all of this as much off balance as he always does. Kojiro is being so sweet and caring and good, talking like he stepped out of a damn romance novel with no irony or insincerity at all, and all Kaoru can do is frantically complain about it instead of just being quiet and grateful the way he wishes he could be.]
[ Obviously they're not who they were in high school. They've grown, arguably matured, and part of Kojiro's journey was learning the patience that came with self-security. Cooking, studying abroad, opening the restaurant; that was all a huge part of it. Cultivating his skating style was an even bigger part. And through it all, morphing with him through all their many changes?
Kaoru. His very own cherry blossom. The one steadfast presence through Kojiro's entire life, gorgeous and constant as the springtime bloom.
Kaoru's trying to burrow in deep, trying to hide himself away; like he can't bear to so much as look at Kojiro, like he'd rather melt into him instead. Because it's a lot to hear. It's a lot to believe. The waspish response is nothing new, and it only serves to settle deep and warm in Kojiro's chest.
Kojiro's never needed grand gestures or gratitude. All he's ever wanted -- needed, more than anyone else in this world -- is Kaoru in his life. So his hands move to spread over Kaoru's back, to wind tight around his shoulders and slowly, gently shower his face with kisses. ]
We're not some kinda unbalanced equation, beautiful. [ Kojiro says in the space between kisses. ] Just let me keep loving you. And I'll meet you where you are, same as always.
[Well… good. He huffs. It still sits precarious in his chest that Kojiro ever thought there was anything he needed to prove or change—anything that Kaoru could have required beyond who Kojiro already was and had always been.
But at least he knows better now. At least he’s gotten to a place where he’s making confident promises about everything he can be for Kaoru. He should, because most of what he’s promising is what he’s already been doing from day one, anyway. Kojiro should definitely know that. He should never spend another moment doubting his immovable place in Kaoru’s life as protector and haven.
Once again, Kaoru finds he can’t say a single word of that out loud. The words that would come easier are still frenetic and discordant. But he can at least chase Kojiro’s lips again. Soak into the warmth of everything he offers. Try to accept that nothing will fall apart just because his brain still wants to leap to the negative and unsettled things that don’t match Kojiro’s soothing energy at all.]
You know what you’re signing yourself up for, don’t you?
[ What you're signing up for; like it's some god-awful, arduous labor. He's always known what he was getting into with Kaoru, and he's gone happily, again and again and again. And for that matter, Kojiro's never backed down from Kaoru in even the smallest way, never shrank to his venom, never saw the sense in running from something (someone) that feels like his destiny. Fate. Purpose.
Maybe it's too dramatic to frame it like that. Maybe it's as simple as this; that this is exactly where Kojiro is meant to be. Trapped beneath Kaoru's body, crushed against his lips, chained within his heart, and so incredibly full from all of it.
He knows perfectly well what he's signing up for. And Kaoru's gonna know too, in murmured affirmations from the mouth that's suddenly dragging down the side of his throat. ]
Signing up for everything I ever wanted. Getting you right where I want you. Keeping you there forever, whether you like it or not.
[ His teeth find Kaoru's skin next, welt in a trail of pretty red from his jaw right down to his shoulder. ]
Do you know what you're signing up for? 'Cause I promise you, I'm gonna love you like you've never been loved before.
[His breath eases out of him in a hot sigh as he tilts his head, opens up a path for Kojiro's mouth. It's good, unfailingly so good, to have a counterpoint to the worries that still feel unsettled. Part of him wants to air every bit of it all at once so he'll never have to come back to it again, but... there are goosebumps raising on his skin now. Maybe shelving everything that isn't this for now isn't such a bad idea.]
You say that like I haven't handled you just fine this whole time.
[Everything and nothing has changed. Kojiro is unrestrained now, and every movement is full of the kind of adoration that Kaoru has been longing for in the loneliest corner of his heart for years. That much is true. At the same time, he's felt the ghost of that same adoration before, countless times, when it must have slipped out while neither of them had their guards up quite enough. He can recognise it from the glances in his periphery--this thing that is now fully impressed into his flesh, branding him. It's familiar and new all at once.
And, like hell is he going to lose to it.]
Do your worst. I won't go easy on you, either.
this can probably be the bow on this thread, if you're good with that
[ As far as Kojiro's concerned, that's a promise. He's wanted everything, all of Kaoru, for what feels like an eternity. It'd be a tragedy of the highest order if Kaoru went soft on him now.
Kojiro isn't sure how long they stay like that. How long he spends running careful hands over every part of Kaoru that he can reach, or how thoroughly he memorizes the skin he finds. How long he dedicates himself to the task of dutifully kissing every naked piece that Kaoru will spare to him. It could be minutes, it could be hours. It could be an eternity. He could do this for an eternity, worship Kaoru's body until time stops, and he still wouldn't have enough of it.
But for now, this is more than enough. It might not be their first step together, but it certainly won't be their last, and Kojiro doesn't want to walk this path with anyone but Kaoru by his side. ]
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beefyspaghetti) wrote2021-05-08 06:09 pm
no subject
[ Kojiro tugs, gently, a firm handful right at the roots to tease at the threat. There are some boundaries he's pushing against here, testing the threshold of acceptability, twisting knots into a few assumed notions he'd kept about Kaoru. But more than that, he's always wanted to do this; ached to bury himself so deeply into Kaoru in so many ways. Through his hair, into his body, under his skin, and right up against his last fucking nerve.
After all, doesn't he want Kaoru crazy for him? Sense, reason, logic; they don't need it here. Kaoru doesn't need it here, and that's the whole point of this. To get him out of his own head. There's safety in Kojiro's arms, and Kaoru's loved beyond anything he's ever known. It's okay to just not think for a little while, in the presence of all that adoration. ]
Why would I do a thing like that?
[ Kaoru's tight, searing; a sinful clutch and grasp, and Kojiro could sink into this forever. It's all warring notions of chaos and peace. Taking Kaoru apart sounds every bit as appealing as burying himself deep and staying there, still, just to memorize the sensation. But in the end, Kaoru's pushing against him, and the response is almost instinctive.
Kojiro's grip shifts, drifts down from Kaoru's hair to grasp wide over the back of his neck. It's an anchor, a ballast to steady him against the barrage that comes next. More, harder, faster; Kojiro's cock drives up into Kaoru in firm snaps of his hips, almost a desperate pace. And this isn't gonna last. It can't. Because he's fucking Kaoru, he's looking into Kaoru's eyes, and-- ]
I love you. [ It's deep, breathy, hitched in gasps against Kaoru's mouth. ]
I love you, Kaoru.
no subject
This Kojiro, the one right here and now who gazes into his eyes with unguarded devotion, who sinks into him again and again like he wants to stay there forever… he wants to line him up next to the Kojiro who flings unimaginative insults at him nearly as often as he uses Kaoru’s actual name. Yes, he could line them up just so, and they’d probably fit together like perfect little puzzle pieces. But they’re so hard to reconcile at the same time.
Kaoru grits his teeth against a high moan, and feels the incongruent bits and pieces build into frustration in his gut. Kojiro, the one he’s always known, is childish and impulsive. He teases Kaoru for his hobbies and his fastidiousness. He forgets the crucial, intricate details of shared memories no matter how many times Kaoru reminds him. Sometimes it all makes Kaoru so mad, he could just—]
I love you too.
[He’s sure he means to add “you fucking moron,” but the words do not come. Maybe this is a mark of growing older. Maybe he’s losing his edge.]
no subject
It's not like Kojiro's guilty of less, and the bickering will never stop. Kaoru hasn't even managed to stop bitching while they're fucking, and that's so ridiculously hot, because-- Shit, now Kojiro's head is full of all the different ways he could shut him up.
I love you is one of the ways, apparently. It's still tripping some kind of short circuit in Kaoru, turning him sweet for a fraction of a second. Fucking and fighting really are ridiculously similar with Kaoru, because Kojiro moves on that moment of weakness, buries his face against Kaoru's shoulder and drags teeth firm down the side of his neck. Mark him up, bruise him more; primitive, mean, but Kaoru is his.
Kojiro keeps his teeth sunk in, wraps an arm around Kaoru's shoulders to pull him along as he falls back against the sheets. It's a tight angle, but Kojiro's thighs aren't just for launching himself off cliff faces. With his heels anchored into the mattress, he can drive up quick and hard into Kaoru, tilted to stroke him inside until he sees stars.
Fuck, he's so fucking close. ]
Gonna come for me again, beautiful? [ A growl through grit teeth against Kaoru's ear. ] C'mon, I wanna see you make that face...
no subject
When Kojiro pushes up, Kaoru doubles down, grabs messy handfuls of Kojiro’s stupid hair and fights against every renewed wave of pleasure that threatens to pull away the last of his control.]
You… first…!
[It’s a demand. Defiant. Maybe under other circumstances, he would let Kojiro make him come again and again before humouring any request to have anything in return. But here in this moment, the spirit of competition rises in him the way it so often does when he can feel Kojiro close to him. Like hell is he going to let go before he makes Kojiro fall apart. No fucking way. For all the praise, Kaoru still feels like he has something to prove. Something about how good he can really be.]
no subject
Maybe it's all of it. Every obscene moment, every lascivious detail, all conspiring at once to overwhelm Kojiro. Winds him up, coils harder with each fevered slam of his hips, and then Kaoru snaps -- you first -- and Kojiro shatters.
It rips through him like wildfire, like flying into the sun; burns him up and leaves him ashen in its wake. Kojiro grips Kaoru's shoulder, hips stuttering to a halt when it finally hits him. The cry is sharp, lilting, shuddering along with the rest of him while he spills into Kaoru's body. Over and over, Kaoru's name; in groans, in gasps, in hurried panting, until it fades out to a quiet-- ]
Fuck, Kaoru.
[ And even before he collapses back, boneless and struggling to muster the last dregs of his sanity, Kojiro's hand manages to find Kaoru's cock again. To stroke him out -- stubbornness be thy name -- bring him over again before he'll earn himself a bit of rest.
It's not the last he's getting tonight, but it'll do for now. ]
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It makes him so fucking vulnerable, is the thing, being fucked this well and thoroughly. He really feels like he can't get any strength back into his limbs at all, so he just slumps forward and tucks his face into Kojiro's neck. If he's going to be such an absurdly oversized brute, the least he can do is feel like a solid and safe foundation when Kaoru is feeling small and vulnerable.
Big stupid dope with a bomb-ass dick. Kaoru is never going to let him go as long as he lives. He half-heartedly mumbles as much into Kojiro's skin, and it's muffled beyond comprehension. But he doesn't feel like repeating himself, either, so he just burrows into the warmth even more.]
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Kaoru collapses, and Kojiro's arms wind around him as he falls, thick fingers straying to stroke his hair and cover his back. Vulnerability is safe here. Maybe it's not always, but Kojiro's always been good at recognizing when Kaoru needs him to hold space -- or hold his tongue -- and he's lost for words right now anyway.
What is there to say? When your last, crazy, wild dream suddenly comes true? When you get everything you've ever wanted? When a decade-old hollow ache is suddenly filled out perfectly? Where are the words for that? ]
Thank you.
[ It tumbles out without any conscious effort on his part, and even while he's struggling to catch his breath, Kaoru has never heard Kojiro's voice this warm or this soft. ]
I'm gonna make you so happy you gave me a chance. I promise.
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This is a chemical response, logic dictates. It's simple biology that he feels warm and bathed through his skin and nerves with a warm glow, and that Kojiro smells fantastic in a way that cannot be bottled and sold. It's comforting, in a way.
There is no science to piece into a neat frame around Kojiro's gratitude, though, or his promises. But somehow, that's comforting, too.]
You're off to a promising start.
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[ In that moment, Kojiro's glad for a lot of things. He's glad Kaoru didn't default to anger, that he shelved it for long enough to take off the edge between them. He's glad Kaoru trusted Kojiro with this side of him, that he shoved aside his penchant for overthinking and pushed himself instead into Kojiro's waiting hands. He's glad he's got a mulligan saved with his sous chef, and he can take the entire day with Kaoru tomorrow (if he wants to; they're both busy, and there's a degree of scheduling stickiness that goes along with that).
He's glad Kaoru gave him this chance, period. And he's never gonna take it for granted.
Carefully, mindful of the parting, Kojiro eases himself out of Kaoru, and gropes blindly until he finds a handful of blankets to throw over them both. ]
You're allowed to be angry now, if you want.
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I am.
[He doesn't particularly want to think about it right now, though. He's too tired now, his consciousness too fuzzy around the edges from that cocktail of hormones that's still making him feel like something ethereal and transcendent.
But he supposes they'll have to talk about this eventually. Maybe not while shouting at each other. Kojiro said he would make it up to him, didn't he? So if he wants to keep working on that now, Kaoru can make an attempt at obliging. A sleepy one, drained of the usual fire and venom.]
You let him break my heart. I don't understand why.
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Trouble is, that accusation taps right up against Kojiro's greatest regret and biggest insecurity. Kaoru asks Why did you let him?, and Kojiro's guilt screams louder than anything, I shouldn't have. He tries so hard not to replay the scenarios in his mind, but he can still feel Kaoru's tears hot and wild against his shoulder, but he can't help the what-if's. What if he'd just confessed to Kaoru? What if he'd stolen his heart first? What if he'd held him closer, kept him safer? What if he'd flooded Kaoru with all his considerable love from the very start?
How much pain would it have saved them, if Kojiro had just swallowed his fear and been direct about his feelings?
Kojiro heaves a sigh, and pushes a hand over his face. ]
I don't have a good answer. But I'd never just let someone hurt you. If I had any idea--
[ If either of them had any idea, would they have fallen in with Adam in the first place? ]
I tried to tell you so many times, but the words never came out right. They all just-- I tripped myself up, over and over. I thought you knew. I thought you had to know, and you were just ignoring it. And then we met him, and you were totally starstruck.
I just wanted you to be happy. Even if it wasn't with me, I wanted you to have something good. Like here's this rich, handsome, talented, smooth asshole, and he's stealing your heart without even trying, and I couldn't even get you to look at me when I was trying my damnedest.
How was I supposed to get between that? I didn't have any of that. I didn't have anything to offer you but love, and that never seemed like it'd be enough. So I thought, if that's the kind of guy you were into, I could try to be like that. Make something out of myself. Be someone who deserved you.
Kaoru, I never ever wanted him to hurt you. I just wanted you to be happy. And I fucked everything up.
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[That's... a lot. It's all a lot. Kaoru plays back maybe a hundred different memories in quick succession in a matter of seconds. He bites his lip, suddenly feeling a wave of guilt. Has he been framing this whole thing all wrong? Is he the idiot, for never realising? Because he can think of so many moments where Kojiro saved him, made him feel safe, opened up the world big and bright in front of him... but he can't find anything, not a single detail that felt like Kojiro was anything but perfectly content to remain exactly as they were. Much less anything that felt like an attempted confession.
There's so much he wants to say, but that's the most important sticking point of all. That's where he has to start.]
You tried to tell me? When? What did you say?
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Shut your brain off.
[ Kojiro knows it's not that easy. He doesn't know what it's like to carry the burden of Kaoru's intellect or to shoulder his anxiety. But he's known him long enough to follow the threads of it, to know there are roughly a thousand-odd scenarios Kaoru is parsing and sifting through, struggling to recall even the half- faded memories, and it's all in the service of one question that Kojiro should have seen coming:
What did I miss? ]
This isn't on you. I tried, but the words were just-- I could never find them. Like I'd try to tell you I thought you looked nice, and it'd come out like, "Nice jacket, poindexter." Or you'd be sleeping over, and I'd whisper "I love you" over and over again because I thought I'd get used to it, but then it just stuck in my throat when your eyes were open.
I had it all rehearsed. I said it to myself over and over again, everything I'd tell you when I finally confessed. And then you'd bump my shoulder or laugh with me, and I just thought-- I dunno. That it was enough. That I could just love you and let it be, because you didn't need more drama. But--
[ Kojiro pauses to press a kiss against Kaoru's brow. ]
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I should've just told you.
I'm never gonna let that happen again. I have the words now, and I'm gonna say them 'til you're sick of hearing them. I'm never gonna let you doubt that I love you. And I'm gonna keep trying my best, every day, to be the kind of man you deserve.
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I never knew. I never thought— god, it didn’t even seem like a possibility. So I just…
[Moved on? No, not really. It could hardly be called that when he kept himself permanently glued to Kojiro’s side all the same. But he accepted to the extent that he could that Kojiro would have some new girl hanging off his arm all too often, and maybe Kaoru would find some equivalent someday, but they’d still be together. He’d even been able to convince himself that it would all be simple for a time. While it was all mostly theoretical, anyway.]
I thought maybe you’d be relieved that I found someone. Because I wouldn’t have to rely on you as much all the time.
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[ It's too earnest to be anything but truth. There are plenty of things about Kaoru that irritate the fuck out of him (and vice-versa, because they've never been anything less than antagonistic toward one another), but Kojiro's never considered him to be a burden. ]
I'd do anything for you. Because I want to, not because I feel obligated. I know you can take care of yourself, and you do a damn good job of it. But you're too hard on yourself, so you make things harder than they have to be sometimes.
So you can rely on me all you want. Let me spoil you a little. Let me help you stop thinking for a couple minutes. ...or hours, if you ever want.
[ Kojiro's grin goes a little sideways. He really is talking too much. Kaoru would be within his rights to smack him. ]
There's so much to love about you. Even when we're driving each other up a damn wall, there's too much to love, and I always thought so.
So don't ever think I want you anywhere but right by my side. Okay?
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[Not that he doesn't believe it. It's just baffling to Kaoru, who's already feeling embarrassed over things he's said earlier in the evening, that Kojiro can just keep gushing like this like it's nothing. Kaoru's only defense, even just listening to all that, is to bury his face in Kojiro's chest and try not to whine. Not that being here is making him blush any less. This is truly impossible. He should at least be able to say "thank you" or something! But the baffled frustration bubbles up instead.]
I can never pay all of that back! You know I can't! You really think you had to do anything to deserve me? You need to value yourself a little more!
[Even now, Kaoru is knocking all of this as much off balance as he always does. Kojiro is being so sweet and caring and good, talking like he stepped out of a damn romance novel with no irony or insincerity at all, and all Kaoru can do is frantically complain about it instead of just being quiet and grateful the way he wishes he could be.]
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[ Obviously they're not who they were in high school. They've grown, arguably matured, and part of Kojiro's journey was learning the patience that came with self-security. Cooking, studying abroad, opening the restaurant; that was all a huge part of it. Cultivating his skating style was an even bigger part. And through it all, morphing with him through all their many changes?
Kaoru. His very own cherry blossom. The one steadfast presence through Kojiro's entire life, gorgeous and constant as the springtime bloom.
Kaoru's trying to burrow in deep, trying to hide himself away; like he can't bear to so much as look at Kojiro, like he'd rather melt into him instead. Because it's a lot to hear. It's a lot to believe. The waspish response is nothing new, and it only serves to settle deep and warm in Kojiro's chest.
Kojiro's never needed grand gestures or gratitude. All he's ever wanted -- needed, more than anyone else in this world -- is Kaoru in his life. So his hands move to spread over Kaoru's back, to wind tight around his shoulders and slowly, gently shower his face with kisses. ]
We're not some kinda unbalanced equation, beautiful. [ Kojiro says in the space between kisses. ] Just let me keep loving you. And I'll meet you where you are, same as always.
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But at least he knows better now. At least he’s gotten to a place where he’s making confident promises about everything he can be for Kaoru. He should, because most of what he’s promising is what he’s already been doing from day one, anyway. Kojiro should definitely know that. He should never spend another moment doubting his immovable place in Kaoru’s life as protector and haven.
Once again, Kaoru finds he can’t say a single word of that out loud. The words that would come easier are still frenetic and discordant. But he can at least chase Kojiro’s lips again. Soak into the warmth of everything he offers. Try to accept that nothing will fall apart just because his brain still wants to leap to the negative and unsettled things that don’t match Kojiro’s soothing energy at all.]
You know what you’re signing yourself up for, don’t you?
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[ What you're signing up for; like it's some god-awful, arduous labor. He's always known what he was getting into with Kaoru, and he's gone happily, again and again and again. And for that matter, Kojiro's never backed down from Kaoru in even the smallest way, never shrank to his venom, never saw the sense in running from something (someone) that feels like his destiny. Fate. Purpose.
Maybe it's too dramatic to frame it like that. Maybe it's as simple as this; that this is exactly where Kojiro is meant to be. Trapped beneath Kaoru's body, crushed against his lips, chained within his heart, and so incredibly full from all of it.
He knows perfectly well what he's signing up for. And Kaoru's gonna know too, in murmured affirmations from the mouth that's suddenly dragging down the side of his throat. ]
Signing up for everything I ever wanted. Getting you right where I want you. Keeping you there forever, whether you like it or not.
[ His teeth find Kaoru's skin next, welt in a trail of pretty red from his jaw right down to his shoulder. ]
Do you know what you're signing up for? 'Cause I promise you, I'm gonna love you like you've never been loved before.
You ready for that?
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You say that like I haven't handled you just fine this whole time.
[Everything and nothing has changed. Kojiro is unrestrained now, and every movement is full of the kind of adoration that Kaoru has been longing for in the loneliest corner of his heart for years. That much is true. At the same time, he's felt the ghost of that same adoration before, countless times, when it must have slipped out while neither of them had their guards up quite enough. He can recognise it from the glances in his periphery--this thing that is now fully impressed into his flesh, branding him. It's familiar and new all at once.
And, like hell is he going to lose to it.]
Do your worst. I won't go easy on you, either.
this can probably be the bow on this thread, if you're good with that
[ As far as Kojiro's concerned, that's a promise. He's wanted everything, all of Kaoru, for what feels like an eternity. It'd be a tragedy of the highest order if Kaoru went soft on him now.
Kojiro isn't sure how long they stay like that. How long he spends running careful hands over every part of Kaoru that he can reach, or how thoroughly he memorizes the skin he finds. How long he dedicates himself to the task of dutifully kissing every naked piece that Kaoru will spare to him. It could be minutes, it could be hours. It could be an eternity. He could do this for an eternity, worship Kaoru's body until time stops, and he still wouldn't have enough of it.
But for now, this is more than enough. It might not be their first step together, but it certainly won't be their last, and Kojiro doesn't want to walk this path with anyone but Kaoru by his side. ]